You’re Lucky You Don’t Have Kids

Recently, more often than not I’ve heard the following phrase when describing my daily schedule; “you’re lucky you don’t have kids”.

The phrase is usually spoken after I mention the fact that I went out on the weekend with colleagues, friends, or previous students. How I went on a bike ride after I got home from work on a Wednesday night. How I lounged at home on a Sunday afternoon. It used to be that I stayed quiet when that phrase was uttered respecting the context from which it came. I would tell myself that in front of me was a tired parent who was doing all they could to be the best parent they could be for their child. I respected that. I still respect that but I don’t stay quiet anymore and here’s why.

Frankly, I’m tired of the subtext of that one phrase.

There are many levels of judgment that come with that one phrase.

1.      You’re almost thirty and you don’t have kids yet.

Yes, it’s true I’m almost 30 and I am not married and do not have kids, by choice. I know what I want out of my life right now and being a selfless parent is not one of the things I’m ready for. Rather I recognize that I am being quite selfish with my time and so I know I am not ready to be the type of parent I would want to be if I had kids. Yes, if. I am still unsure if I want children in the future. Maybe that will change if and when I find a partner but right now those two things are the last thing on my mind.

2.      I love my kids but I wish I had a few more hours in the day for me.

Now, you don’t have to agree with me on this for it is my opinion but sometimes I feel there is a slight twinge of “I just wish I could do that too” in that statement. I see parents around me struggle all the time to balance their lives and their child’s. I am in awe of what parents do for their children everyday but I bet sometimes they may just wish they had a few extra hours a day to themselves. Who can blame them? That is human in my opinion and so when I mention my ability to take a bike ride on a Wednesday night there may be a moment of “I just wish I could have done that too today”.

3.      You have more free time than I do.

This one gets to me the most out of all the others. I recognize that having a family takes up a lot of time but I hate the assumption that if I am single and do not have kids I have more free time. This statement recently triggered me because of a statement a classmate of mine made in my #SADoc class. I am happy to say I have slowly but surely been writing away at my dissertation proposal. When hearing my progress my classmate remarked by saying “well you don’t have a husband or kids so you have time to write”. I remember feeling hurt, stunned and angry all at the same time. I could not believe the amount of confidence with which he made that statement. I remember turning around, looking him dead in the face, and saying “you’re right I do not have a husband or children and I can’t imagine all the time you devote to doing both of those jobs well but please do not assume I am not busy”. He of course apologized and said he did not mean it that way but the damage was done by that point. That comment was followed the next day by a co-worker telling me to “shut up” because I mentioned how I went for a walk when I got home and she had to give her child a bath. Again, I was stunned, angry and hurt. I responded with “I’m sorry? Please don’t be mad at the fact that I had the time to do that”. Again, there was an apology, with an “oh I didn’t mean it that way” statement but like before the damage was done.

Why is it that we just can’t respect each other for the choices we make? We have come very far in this respect but have so much more work to do. If you take away only 1 thing from this post let it be that we must be cognizant of each other’s choices and never make assumptions. I respect and applaud those that have decided to settle down and have children but recognize that, that is not where I am in my life right now. All I ask in return is the same type of consideration.

Originally posted on the Women in Student Affairs (WISA) Knowledge Community blog via NASPA: https://www.naspa.org/constituent-groups/posts/youre-lucky-you-dont-have-kids