You Can’t Control Time

Anyone who knows me well knows that I like to be able to control all aspects of my life.

Frankly, I don’t do well when I am not in control of my life.

That has always been a struggle for me. It’s one I’m still working on daily.

I can become incredibly frustrated, annoyed, irritated, insert any word that works for you that describes one’s level of dissatisfaction with something, here.

That’s me.

Most frequently I am most annoyed by my inability to control time as it intersects with my own timeline.

I’m not crazy. I know I cannot control time but I struggle with not being able to make things happen in my life as listed on my own timeline.

Recently the frustration in my own timeline has come to a head because of my doctorate.

Frankly, I wanted to be done by now. I had imagined myself graduating and walking in the spring of 2017. I had it all mapped out. It would be perfect cause I would have just turned 30 that January and I could finally enjoy a summer. Sure, I work through the summer months but imagine having summer weekends back. I imagined beach weekends, trips to the movies, trips to the city, all sorts of day trip events. I wanted to start my 30’s off with my doctorate done. I wanted to be done with school.

But as is expected with time, you cannot control it even in relation to your own timeline.

I won’t be graduating May 2017. My timeline had to adapt. Of course, I write daily, I’m closer to graduating and finishing than I was two weeks ago, heck even two days ago, but I didn’t want my timeline to have to change. This change has caused me great anxiety. I worry about when I will be done. Will it be this summer as I hope? Will it be this fall? Will it be during my 30^th year because that was my goal.

And then I stop. I physically have to stop myself from having these thoughts. I stop and wonder why I’m worrying and what my worry will do? Will it help me finish faster? Will my anxiety about not finishing on this intangible timeline I’ve created in my head for myself help me defend any faster? Is anyone but me really worried about my timeline? No. No one has told me when I need to finish. In all honesty, most are just cheering me on from the sidelines saying you’re making great progress just keep going. No one but me has said go faster. Do better. Finish now.

In the grand scheme of things my timeline is flawed. Sure, it’s great to want things for yourself in life by a certain point but what does it matter if it doesn’t happen as planned on one’s timeline. Do we become less of a person? Have we accomplished less? No. At the end of the day, whether it’s this summer, this fall or next year I’ll still be Dr. Bhatt. I will have graduated with my doctorate of education. I will have finished. And in the end finishing is what’s most important.

So yes, it’s nice to have goals and have a timeline in mind to when you want to accomplish said goals but don’t become fixated on that timeline. Because, take it from me, if you do you’ll forget to see just how much you’ve done so far. I’m 30, close to having my doctorate and doing great personally and professionally. Really, I’m blessed.

Take my advice. Stop, think and reflect on what you’ve really accomplished so far and don’t get so bogged down by the timeline you or others may have created for you. It’s what I’m doing. These days I tell myself that it will all get done when it’s supposed to get done. I just keep making revisions and work with the adapted timeline because really what else can I do? All I can really control is the work I put in. So, I keep working. In due time the fruits of my labor will be tangible. In the end the added time to finish will just be a blip on my timeline and no one will remember how long it took me to finish. They will just remember that I finished. 

So, here’s what I say to those of you that may be stuck in your own timeline frustrations. I hope this post offers you some comfort. If you have moments of frustration about your timeline, please know that I do too. Like I said I struggle daily and I’m betting on the fact that many others do too. Just keep working towards your goals and the rest will surely work itself out.