Trauma

[Song for this post is In My Blood by Shawn Mendes because that song helped me a lot during 2019.]

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a woman who has had a great impact on my life during 2019. I will forever remain connected to her moving forward and I’m thankful to have her be a part of my life. We will remain in each other’s lives for good at this point and I’m very grateful for that. 

In any case, I was telling her about what I was going through currently in my life and what I was feeling/experiencing. 

After I finished, because she always listens without judgement, without interruption, all the while making it known that what I have to say is very important, she looked at me and said “well, you’ve been through a major trauma.” 

And there was that word again, trauma. Over the course of 2019 I heard that word numerous times. Still, every time I hear it even now, I still don’t believe it. I think part of the reason is because my mind puts everything from 2019 into a special box I keep in the back of my mind. It’s only when others, who know what happened, talk to me about how I’m doing that I bring that box back to the forefront. It’s in those moments I stop and think about everything that has happened. I also believe so many others have been through far worse. What is my trauma compared to theirs?

But the reality is we’ve all been through trauma. Major trauma, or minor trauma, trauma has a lasting, rippling effect. We live with our trauma forever. No one person’s trauma is greater than another’s. 

I know I will live with mine forever, but what’s most important, in my opinion, is how we move forward from it. How we help each other with it. And who we become after it. I know I may have more trauma in the future but after what I’ve been through in 2019 I also know nothing may compare to that, for me. 

On this exact date last year, my sister’s birthday no less, life was so very different. The day was not joyous and my sister had put her own celebrations aside for me. She continued to do that throughout 2019. I don’t know if I could have done the same. She tells me I would have but I always tell her she’s a phenomenal human being. She always responds by saying, “this is what sister’s do,” but we all know not all sisters or brothers are made alike. I’m just lucky. 

So today, and everyday, as I continue to process my trauma and move forward with it, I thank the Universe and the powers at be, that this year we are celebrating only my sister’s birthday. Nothing will take away from her day. Today, is all about her. I know she’s as grateful as I am that all we have to look forward to today is love, time together, and good food. Such a small thing but something that I cherish after remembering this day last year. Something I know many others may not have. 

I know other days will bring up my trauma again. I know others will remind me of the trauma I’ve been through. But, I also know I’ll continue to move forward, bringing my trauma along with me. My trauma will continue to remind me of who I am, what I have been through, what I can handle, and how beautiful life is, even at its most traumatic moments. 

[Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas from Pexels.]