It’s been a while….

It is an understatement to say that it has been a while since I’ve written something, anything. I figure it was about time I tried to get back into it.

So why the delay? Well, it’s been a rough semester. But even before that it’s been a rough few months.

There was never a time I felt overwhelmed by work and my doctorate work at the same time.

That changed this semester.

In this last semester of my doctorate coursework pre-dissertation seminar I feel as though the work load has exploded. You are correct that I also find it incredibly coincidental that the work load became overwhelming in my last semester of coursework. And yes I know the real work hasn’t even started yet. Am I overwhelmed because it truly is a lot of work this semester? Probably not. I’m overwhelmed because the needs of my students in my current position have tripled. As the primary conduct officer, under our Dean, at Bergen Community College I am used to addressing the violations of our students across three campuses for 17,000 students. However, what I am not used to is the level at which those violations are being reported this semester. At this point we run the gambit of classroom behavioral issues to fights to alleged threats. And as all conduct officers know everything starts as an emergency. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all about establishing a culture of reporting but this just seems different.

So why the sudden surge? Well lets be honest we all know our student populations are changing and school shootings are becoming the norm. There are times now that someone will tell me about another shooting which I haven’t even heard about yet and that scares me. It is for that same reason that our faculty and staff are on high alert and my job becomes to ensure they feel safe on my campus. That feels like a load to carry at this point. Add to this the fact that my students sometimes forget how certain words and phrases hold such meaning to those around them. Most of my day is spent educating our students about recognizing the statements they make and how those statements can be threatening and/or terrifying to those around them, even if they “didn’t mean it that way.” 9 times out of 10 my students are just being naïve and young but as the conduct officer I worry about that 1 that remains in that equation and so my days seems long, exhausting and never ending. Add to that the fact that many times I am left advocating for the student who made one remark without thinking and now has potentially risked aspects of their educational career. It is at times hard to be a student advocate, a counselor and a conduct officer.

But add to that all the student issues that I just can’t solve. Homelessness, hunger, financial issues, personal issues among so many others. It is truly in those moments that I feel helpless. There are times I just can’t do enough and coming to terms with that has been difficult for me. That feeling of not being able to do anything is one that follows me in my personal life. As many of you know I pride myself on being a runner. That was my release. I say was because for the past few months now I’ve been out of commission due to an injury. An injury in which I feel helpless. It is as if my body just doesn’t want me to run. At this point any physical activity triggers a muscle pain. I’ve been to every doctor. Done every test. And so it all boils down to a terrible muscle strain that may take months to heal and stress. As my fellow runners and #SAFit folks know that is a hard pill to swallow. It’s a pill I have yet to swallow.

It also makes me wonder how stress can cause this many issues but as I have been reading the stories shared by my fellow peers I begin to see that it may truly be related to stress. I begin to wonder how much my work affects the stress I feel and begin to think of how to reduce said stress without my daily dose of #SAFit. So far I haven’t come up with much. And so I hope/pray that as each day passes my body begins to heal itself and I can get back to what I love most. It is amazing how certain elements of your life changing affect your overall mentality. I wonder if I was still running right now if I would feel as overwhelmed as I do with work and my doctorate? My guess is no. But without that one simple release my mindset has completely shifted.

And so here I wait because what else can I do?