The Lives We Have Yet to Lose

I have often thought about my desire to have children.

I have never been ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I have never been certain about my desire to be pregnant or have my own children.
With that being said, I am always thrilled for my friends and family members who do decide to have children. I celebrate with them. I shower their children with love and gifts. But that does not change my desire to have children.

There are a few reasons why I have never been certain.

For one I feel like I already have many children.

As someone who works in higher education I do believe that the students I work with are like my children. I’ve been blessed to stay in contact with students from my time at Bergen Community College and Rutgers. I am now creating relationships with students at FIT. My students have access to me outside of the normal business hours. I text with them at odd hours when they are struggling or need something. I chat with them on the phone when they want to update me on what is happening in their lives. I visit them in person when the time allows. In my opinion, I feel like a parent. I have done much for my students or my children as I see them because it is important to me. Many may argue that does not parenting make but for me it feels just the same.

Parents send their children to school hoping for the best and we are the people who aim to help make the best happen for them. We strive to make their experience a good one and work to support them through the good times and the bad. The adverse of this hope for the best is the fear for the worst.

That is the second reason I hesitate in having children.

Too often these days I am worried about being unable to protect my students from harm. With the state of the country in the wake of now the largest mass shooting in our history, I am scared. I am scared I cannot protect my students let alone myself.

If I add to that my fear of bringing a child into this world the anxiety is just too much to bare. I know you all may tell me you cannot live in that constant state of fear and that focusing on what could happen is not a way to live but I will tell you that a parent should never have to bury their child. No child should have to lose their parent too early in life. The stories from the massacre in Las Vegas have left me breathless and in tears. How does one recover from that? Do you ever truly recover that type of tragedy? I hope to never find out.

Today, I fear the safety of my loved ones any time they go anywhere. There does not seem to be a “safe space” anymore and I’m unsure of what the coming years will look like. Will it get worse before it gets better? What does worse even look like? Again, I hope we never find out.

The thoughts within this post are mine and mine alone.