That Anxious Feeling…

[The current song for this post is i’m so tired by Lauv & Troye Sivan because it’s keeping me calm even as I post this.]

With everything that’s currently going on it’s hard to not feel anxious. 

But there’s anxiety and then there’s ANXIETY. There are some days currently that I feel like I’m operating from the space of ANXIETY. 

I blame 2019. 

As someone who just last year had to practice extreme social distancing for her own health and well being the current climate is triggering. 

I can’t even imagine how it feels for folks who are forever operating under the umbrella of social distancing. I think I’d be operating from the space of ANXIETY x Infinity in that case. 

I had to social distance beginning last year but honestly I always operated from this mentality when flu season came about each year. I won’t lie I’m a bit of a germaphobe but that doesn’t seem like the worst thing right now. Remember when the flu was the major issue we were worrying about? That seems like ages ago right? I mean technically it’s still flu season but it’s like we’ve forgotten. Can’t blame us… 

Last year the common cold was on my anxiety list. I remember the shock I experienced seeing how many people didn’t wash their hands at all or properly with soap; folks who either never covered their mouth when they sneezed or coughed or used their hands; folks who blatantly disregarded my need, not want, but medical need for social distancing. It was all anxiety causing, frustrating, and disgusting really. So far 2020 is on my anxiety list for this very reason. I am saddened to see the amount of folks who are continuing to crowd into bars, clubs, restaurants, or attend large gatherings of any kind. 

So what am I doing during this pandemic? Controlling what I can. Here’s what I can tell you. 

• I’ve cancelled all my group plans for the foreseeable future. I’ve actually decided to stop planning vacations all together. Last year I planned to go to Paris and life shut that down. The same thing happened this year so I’m just going to wing it from now on or ask someone else to plan my trips and surprise me. Maybe if I don’t plan it and am just told where and when to show up I”ll finally get to Paris. Let’s see if that theory holds. I’ll let you know. 
• Group plans include all dinners, lunches and brunch because what I’ve quickly learned is others are not taking this social distancing as seriously as I am. All I can control is where and when I show up. I know social distancing is important for my health and for the health of many others so I’ll just cancel my plans. I know my people will understand. It’s hopefully only a few weeks of my life. I did this for at least 8 months of 2019. I can handle a few more weeks. I’ll go back to my video chat coffee dates. 
• I’m trying to step away from social media and the news. My anxiety cannot handle it. The more I read/watch, the more the case numbers go up. I can’t deal. I’ll read, watch my shows, write, workout, and listen to music instead. I’m only on my platforms to try and educate more about social distancing and why we need it right now. 
• I’m stepping up and saying something to folks who aren’t properly washing their hands with soap ( I feel like the “with soap” piece has to be added in); educating folks to use their cough pocket or a tissue when sneezing or coughing; asking folks to wash their hands with soap if they use their hands to cover a sneeze or cough. I am not trying to offend anyone. I’m trying to protect us all. I didn’t do enough of this in 2019 because I didn’t want others to “feel bad.” Instead I operated from a space of fear and anxiety because of their poor hygiene and they had no idea. Instead, I’ll kindly educate for all of our sakes and hope the other person understands. 
• I’ll keep cleaning the things we touch most frequently, wash my hands with soap for 20 seconds, use Purell when I can’t wash my hands with soap, and not touch my face with dirty hands. I’ll do this for me and for you. 

So if you think all of this is unnecessary, just remember the people around you. I don’t understand the dissonance in understanding how others, those with medical issues, many beyond our control, must feel. I hope you are never in their shoes to truly understand it. Just do your best to hear what others are saying to you. It’s not a joke for many of us. It’s a necessity. If you don’t do it for you, do it for us. I’d rather we look back in the coming months and say we did too much or overreacted. I fear we may look back and say we didn’t do enough. Oh, and if you’re sick of what I’m saying and think I’m overreacting I won’t be offended if you mute me on social media or stop reading my posts. You do you, and I’ll do me.

[Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels]